- Criticizing them.
- Giving them the silent treatment.
- Failing to give them real explanations. Giving non-explanations such as “because it is wrong” or “because it is inappropriate” or “because it is a sin”
- Judging or rejecting their friends—labeling them and you
- Using punishments and rewards to manipulate and control them.
- Invading their privacy.
- Under-estimating them.
Examples: Mother commented on social media on a picture of son’s girlfriend and called her a lipstick whore.Mother comments to other sibling that older sibling hangs around druggies, and she has never met them.Mother is being ignored by step-daughter after making snide comments and mother then calls daughter and tells her she will fix her motorcycle or four-wheeler just for her and take her places till the daughter agrees and never follows through.Mother bribes son by telling him she will give him money every paycheck after he has refused to talk to her since she told him he was a disappointment to get him to talk to her.Mother reads daughters text messages, goes through phone calls, goes through tablets and interrogates because she doesn’t trust the child and what the child does.
Sorry that day 5 came so late, this weekend was a doozy with camping in back yard with kids and their friends…was a good time with dancing and karaoke all night long then family birthday parties…whoa!! long weekend!.
So here is day 5 in my fight against verbal/emotional abuse.
- Invalidating their feelings.
- Laying undeserved guilt on them.
- Dominating the conversations.
- Refusing to apologize.
- Always needing to have the last word.
Examples: My step-daughter was in tears one night when her mother called on her cell phone and didn’t even take a moment to speak to her, instead asked for my step-son. When my step-son pushed the phone upon her and her mother asked why she was crying she said “well because you haven’t even talked to me or tried in a while and you called my phone and didn’t even take time for me.” Mother responded with “Well it is you Alyssa. It’s not me, you are the one that seems to be busy with sports and your other family you don’t want to take time for me, so why should I take the time if you can’t!” Step-daughter apologized for being busy. I know this one seems harmless, but as a parent it is no the child’s place to put the effort first. Instead of apologizing for making her feel the way she did she put the blame on my step-daughter.
Dominating several conversation and having last word happens all the time with my step-kids. Mother gets mad and she continues to text and text and text. She even does this to my other half. If she doesn’t like the answer or things don’t go her way she tends to continue for an hour or two with ugly comments to him such as, “your such a bad dad” “Oh great parenting” “your wife trying to be a good mother again when you know she can’t, I’m their only mom.” then it continues for hours, sad thing is that our 8 year old sees the messages because that’s the phone she calls him on and it saddens him and angers him.
If you read day 4 blog you will see the person never apologizes and that’s just one of many times.
So till tomorrow keep up the fight against verbal/emotional abuse.
Let’s start by saying today is a better day. 🙂 But the struggle is still very real and the fight is still on.
- Terrorism: to threaten a child or someone who is dear to him with physical violence, abandonment or death, to threaten to destroy the child’s possessions, to place him in chaotic or dangerous situations, to define strict and unreasonable expectations and to threaten him with punishment if he does not comply. Threatening to harm you, your pet or people you care about. Threatening to have children taken away.
- Exposure to domestic violence: to expose a child to violent words and acts between his parents.
- Making the child/teen feel responsible for the mother’s feelings.
- Threatening them with vague, unstated consequences.
Examples: This one was used once already but I will use again because it was definitely one that our kid remember after their mom tried to keep them out of state, as my other half drove up to where they were with a Sherriff, their mother was angry and while loading the kids baggage in vehicle she remarked “I’m going to shoot your dad. He will get what he deserves”
About the new wife “Why don’t you tell your wife to come up her to my house I have something for her..hahahahaha!”
At a soccer game while carrying her then 6 year old son the mother began trying to push the step-mother while cursing at her, as dad says “Are you really going to do this in front of your kids?” she responds “I sure am I can you what the F**k I want” wife and dad ask her go away and move away themselves. A few minutes later she yanks the daughter by arm and tells step-mom “These are my kids stop trying to act like they are yours you poor excuse for a mom.” Then goes behind dad and pushes him. Children embarrassed in public and in front of family–this would be a part of #2
I’m baffled how things like this can continue to happen with no consequences. Please help educate and pass on the word. Verbal/emotional abuse is still abuse!!!
Ok so day is day 3 on the fight against verbal/emotional abuse.
Today I am a bit sad for my older step-son, he broke my heart. Even though he didn’t say much about the situation his facial expression and silence made a huge impact on my heart.
Example: So today my example is paraphrasing from a conversation between him and his biological mother; due to his silence.
A few weeks back she told him he was a disappointment and elaborated on it, so today after him no speaking to her he showed me text conversation between them. He reiterated to her how she told him he was a disappointment and she never once apologized or took back. All she did was tell him in a nut shell that what she tells him is true and if the truth hurts he needs to change his ways and suck it up. She also told him she tells him things because of things she hears about him and that it must be truth if others are speaking of it.
Now let me tell you a bit of my step-son: he is an amazingly smart kid on his way to a big university in which he earned on his own and graduated as high school senior with honors. He works two jobs, plays soccer for pleasure, and is going and has played soccer for school (he is great at it). He also is an average teenager that likes to have fun but never gets in trouble as he know what he wants his life to be like.
So tell me does that seem like a disappointment to you?
- Yelling and screaming at you.
- Intentionally embarrassing you in public.
- Using online communities or cell phones to control, intimidate or humiliate you.
- Blaming your actions for their unhealthy behavior. Placing undeserved blame on them.
Again I ask, please help with my fight against verbal/emotional abuse!!! Pass it on, nobody should be put down and kicked.
Day 2 of my fight against verbal/emotional abuse
What is verbal abuse?
Verbal abuse is the excessive use of language to undermine someone’s dignity and security through insults or humiliation, in a sudden or repeated manner. The behavior of an emotionally abusive parent or caregiver does not support a child’s healthy development and well-being-instead, it creates an environment of fear, hostility, or anxiety. A child is sensitive to the feeling, opinions, and actions of his or her parents.
Nobody should have to feel that way, especially a child. I stand tall as I try to spread the word to let people be aware of what words can do.
- Using sarcasm. Making a mocking remark
- Make fun of Physical Imperfections (things you can’t change), Body size or shape, the way you stand
- Discourage Exploration and Learning
- Put down when wanting to learn new things
- Ridicule free expression of child’s delight
- Told not to try things new
Examples: “My mom told my other siblings that I need to act more like a girl, that I’m too boyish and it hurt my feelings.”
“Why would you want to be a firefighter that’s a man’s job not a place for a girl”
“How come your playing baseball when you should be playing soccer instead”
Here are a few more to keep you ware of what can hurt, children should be supported for their talents and differences not put down for not being the way you want them to be.
Today I start my week fight and recognition of verbal/emotional abuse. I have chosen this topic because it hits close to home. As I am a survivor of abuse of all sorts and one was verbal/emotional abuse. Now that I have overcome all my battles I have to stand silent as I am a step-mom of 3 great kids, as we have custody of them, that endure the abuse from their mother almost weekly/monthly.
It breaks my heart every time I have to hear them endure it, and I can do nothing. I breaks me even more when this person gets away with it because “she is their birth mom”, “she’s the adult”, “she’s a female”, “she’s always been that way it’s what everybody expects of her”, and also “she’s just upset”. NONE of those excuses make it right!!!!
During this next week for so I will post types of verbal/emotional abuse and some examples, now let’s begin:
- Name-calling, belittling, swearing, insulting. Calling you names and putting you down.
- Rejecting or threatening with abandonment. Threatening to commit suicide. Threatening them specifically with rejection or abandonment.
- Threatening bodily harm. Even if you don’t act on violent threats, they may make your child fear and distrust you.
- Scapegoating or blaming.
Example: “I’m going to kill myself if I can’t have you” “I’m going to kill myself if you don’t talk to me anymore”
“I’m going to shoot your father, he will get what he deserves!” “since you can’t control her stupidity now someone else will” (this is about a girlfriend)
“You are such a disappointment”
So help me spread the word and STOP verbal/emotional abuse and help me help others educate those who are going thru it all. NOBODY deserves to be treated like a doormat for someone else’s insecurities and anger to make themselves feel better.